Welp. I’m sitting in front of the kids school crying. I’ve officially reached rock bottom. How much more can i take? I can’t. When does it end? Right when I think I’ve found a little bit of light, Kyle spits on that little bit of light and it’s gone. Figuratively and literally.
Shanda called to let me know Kyle sat his ass on the gym floor after PE was over and refused to get up. He sat there for FOUR hours. 4 hours. Nothing would get him to stand up. Nothing. His stubbornness is strong. He sat on the floor through an awards assembly that had to take place. I mean…how embarrassing. For him. For the teachers. For me.
I am so tired of hearing how strong I am. Cuz I’m not. I don’t want to be. Today I caved and saw my dr. Anyone who knows me, knows I NEVER go to the dr. But Ive reached my breaking point. I need anxiety medication to survive. And it sucks. To feel like you have lost control of every aspect of your life is super shitty. I kinda wanna run away. And then I think, maybe my anxiety is actually a good thing cuz it prevents me from doing crazy things like…running away.
I feel super guilty. Because of my inability to “be strong” my family suffers. My husband. My kids. It sucks. Pull it together, Katie.
Being Kyle’s mom is hard. It sucks. And today there isn’t an ounce of me that is grateful for the trials it’s given me. Today I feel sorry for me. Today I feel sorry for my family. Today I wish autism didn’t exist. Today I wish fragile x and anxiety weren’t part of our life. Today I wish Kyle was a typical 16 year old who came home from school in a car he drove home in. Today I wish I didn’t have to go on anxiety medication to cope with the struggles of my life.
Kyle gets home in an hour and I’m dreading it. In order to stay consistent I have to take the iPad away. This means more work for me. More hard. More meltdowns. And marie is coming. I’ve canceled the last two sessions cuz I couldn’t handle having her here.
Everything with Kyle is work. And I’m exhausted. Not like exhausted after a long day with kids. Like I wake up exhausted and go to sleep exhausted. From sun up to sun down is work with Kyle. It never ends. There are no breaks. When he’s at school-I’m still thinking about the list of dr appts I need to make, or forms I need to fill out or or or! When he’s at his dads for a whopping 3 days a month, I’m thinking about the rough transition I’ll be dealing with when he comes home. It never leaves. I’m exhausted.
I’m not sure why God picked me to be kyles mom. I question that daily. And on days like today, I question it even more. I have nothing left except to pray so I guess I’ll stop writing and start praying super hard that the heavy burdens I’m carrying are lifted soon. Like real soon. Cuz rock bottom sucks.